image

Hey you,

It’s #2.

Today you and I get to talk about…

How Biases & Negative Emotions Block Your Success With People And Relationships

Man, unconsciously, is a political beast.

Yet, if we wake ourselves up, we don’t play the connection game on the default setting.

These days there’s a lot of focus in research on what’s called Cognitive Biases as well as emotional biases. What scientists have discovered is that we tend to be biased in one direction or the other.

Programming throughout our life has gone into the control room and tweaked the knobs all the way in one direction or the other of instead balancing them.

This is where Emotional Estimation and Seeing Only Validation comes into play.

Emotional Estimation is the process we go through when we guess how the future is gonna play out but instead of using rational calculation through probability and math, we just wing it and use our emotions to figure that shit out.

Turns out we suck at figuring how things are gonna turn out in the future and yet we love to do it.

When we estimate emotionally, we look at the billboard and see the lottery is up to $71

million dollars and we rationalize that we should buy more lottery tickets than if it was only at $21 million. And because we think the payoffs gonna be bigger and no one’s won in a while, that our chances of hitting it go up.

In Vegas they learned that the more reels there are on a machine, the less people think they have a chance of winning. The lower the amount of reels, the higher they believe their chance of winning. So if you see you have to line up 5 bananas vs. 3 bananas, you estimate 1 in 3 chance of winning is better odds than 1 in 5. This is where you get screwed.

Vegas loves mathmeticians who can figure out how make so many different variables that can show up on a reel that your 1 in 3 chance goes to like 1 in a 1,000. Vegas increased their profits by 60% by lowering the number of reels and jacking up the variables which makes for more combinations that can show up.

Both of these are great examples of emotional biases and emotional estimation.

The other side of this coin is Seeing Only Validation.

Being that our biggest fears are of loud noises and falling, it makes sense that we would need to be able to emotionally estimate instead of sitting and calculating in life and death situations.

Once we make an emotional estimation, we attach to it truth, simply because we had a hand in creating it. Then we start seeing only validation, no matter what the evidence is to the contrary, we somehow always figure out how to interpret it as “I was right.”

Trader Vic, world famous stock trader, teaches how this plays out in the stock market. At one time he hired a small group of 20 high IQ traders and gave them each $250,000 to manage. He told them that if they lost all the money, they’re fired… and that if they make money, they get to stay. Something weird happened.

Most of these geniuses lost all the money.

He had ask himself, “What’s going on here? I chose the smartest of the smart. Why are they losing all the money?”

It turns out that super IQ people are used to being right. They’re used to being able to outthink the situation, figure it out and play it. So they’d do all their research and come to an estimation.

 

Then they would invest and when the stock would start going down, this highly intelligent person would look at it and rationalize that they had used good logic to make the decision, fall back on their identity of being a smart person and decide the market is wrong. And they’d ride it all the way down to zero.

Seeing Only Validation would cause them to buy more of it even when they saw it going down. And instead of seeing reality, they kept reshaping all of the information to fit their expectation that they were right.

The Need To Be Right Sabotages Us

When Emotional Estimation and Seeing Validation are combined, you get human chimps that walk through life, have a feeling spring up that triggers a need for approval, control or fear about something and they get attached to that outcome and the mind starts distorting all of this incoming information to validate and assure themselves they made a wise decision and that they’re heading in the right direction.

This is what causes the human chimp to get as many credit cards as they can, max ‘em out, blow the money on a bunch of stuff that isn’t worth anything.

They do this rationalizing that they should have a raise coming up, or that they’re gonna get a better job, and then once all this found money comes in, THEN they can pay off the credit cards and be set.

They keep running this pattern and spending the future and going deeper into debt. We do this with relationships, health, everywhere and this thinking gets us into trouble.

How Negative Emotions Come Into Play

It made a lot more sense to feel negative emotions in our past than it does now.

We don’t live in as dangerous environment anymore. Especially those who are privileged. If we feel the need for approval, control or security it triggers negative emotions out of proportion to the stimulus that’s coming in.

If someone expresses interest in the same girl we’re secretly interested in, instead of just realizing that they’re just talking about it, or that it’s something they’re going to pursue, we get the same button pushed as if 10,000 years ago some rival clan was going to kill us.

It freaks us out unnecessarily. This kicks in emotional estimation and seeing only validation and create self fulfilling prophecies.

Winners who get what they want and help others get what they want start noticing their tendencies to jump to emotional states and make emotional decisions out of a paranoid need for approval, control or security.

And instead of being controlled by them, they almost see them as a surfer sees a wave, it’s something that comes in, you can ride it for a while, and then it flows out.

They let it go and don’t get strangled by it. And when they show up in social situations, they never respond emotionally.

Two Keys For Unlocking The Prison Door Of Unconscious Emotional Sabotage

In Relationships

FOR MEN: Our problem is that we don’t believe it’s o.k. to have emotional relationships with other men. We can’t let the fact that we feel emotions for another man surface. We think it threatens our masculinity, or that we’re gay, and these ideas prevent from us from creating emotional bonds with other men.

We don’t show our emotions to the guys we have feelings for. Unless we have a 12 pack in us, we don’t hug our friends and say, “I love you.” This unconscious barrier prevents us from building close personal friendships.

FOR WOMEN: Scientists have found that while men have lots of little bickering conflict on the surface, at the end of the day, they go out with each other and have a beer or play pool, hang out and get over it.

Women will keep a superficial mask on that says everything’s cool between them and other women and won’t show that they’re disappointed or sad. They won’t get into minor conflicts because connection and bonding is so important. But the downside is that resentments build up over time and when the conflict does arise, it actually destroys the relationship permanently.

Action Step for Men: Give yourself permission and realize that you deserve to feel emotions for other men and that it’s necessary and really important for our fulfillment and for the fulfillment of other men. Express and show those emotions and get over our societal programming that says it’s not o.k. to hug another man or to say “I love you,” or tell him how important he is or show him in a certain way.

Action Step For Women: Realize this underlying wiring that causes you to avoid any superficial conflict and not work it out and stay clean in the moment instead of saving it all up and letting the dam burst and destroy the relationship long term.

This means that when an issue comes up, you go to the other woman you have an issue with and have a radically honest and compassionate conversation, share where you’re at instead of sweeping things under the rug to maintain an appearance of peace and a feeling of connection that’s fake because in the long term this only hurts you.

Elementary School Yard Conditioning Drives Your Behavior 

Deborah Tannen from Harvard, through research discovered that when girls are playing and one of them comes across as uppity, one of the others will pipe up and say, “Don’t be bossy!” Where as when boys play together it’s all about conflict, one boys tank is going on top of the other or one guy is kicking another guy’s ass and once the conflict is done, you’re done with it.

Where this surfaces with women in the work place is when they see another woman acting uppity, which could be expressed as ambitious, playing boss hog politics, they experience that school yard resistance. But not as much from men as they will from women. One theory is that the glass ceiling is enforced not by men, as most people think, but by women.

3 steps to freedom

One of Dave Logan’s friends is the head of an institute of creativity and he calls himself a mythologist. One of the exercises he takes people through is to imagine they’re walking down a path, going to a destination they desire. All of a sudden a gate falls from the sky and there’s only three ways to get through it.

The first is gratitude. You reflect on who has helped you, who has invested in you, and that you are special because of other people.

The second requirement is that you find something that you’re going to leave behind. A behavior that no longer serves your highest purpose. But nature abhors a vacuum so in order to leave something behind, you either have to pick up something new or amplify something.

The third requirement is that you have to name your genius. That certain irreducible part of who you are, not just the roles you’ve tried out that have stuck, the essence of who you are.

As soon as you experience the gratitude, named the thing you’re gonna leave behind and have consciously set it down, and you name your genius, the gate opens and you’re able to continue.

You have to find something you’re gonna leave behind or else people will read into your actions and see them as disingenuous and you’ll get frustrated and say it doesn’t work. You have to find that thing you’ll leave behind.

So if you don’t get you’re cognitive biases and negative emotions handled, you will send a signal to evolved people, very early on, that will cause them to not want to connect with you.

You can’t grab opportunity with a closed fist

“The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.” Zen Master Atisha said this thousands of years ago. Eben does this by closing his eyes, focusing on the inhalation and exhalation of his breath and focusing on a mind that lets go. Then notice your own mind let go.

What we all seem to do is get attached to everything. We meet someone and if the interaction goes good, we want to stay with that and that person. When it goes bad, we’d claim we didn’t want to think about it but yet, we still hold on to it. When we have a mind that lets go of everything, flow becomes the norm.

This is when you realize food doesn’t taste good without periods of not having food. If you gorge yourself on a certain food, you lose your desire for it.

Now, out in the world and our chimp mind gets triggered, what if we thought about “What would happen if my mind let go of the situation?” Eben imagines his head and brain relaxing and the experience just flowing through like a wave. Now, when he get’s cut off while driving or in a tense situation if he focuses on letting the primal thoughts in his mind go, it only takes a minute or so for the feeling to pass through his awareness and he no longer thinks about it.

We’re All “PTSD” Over The Same Incident!

Have you ever introduced one of your friends or clients to another friend and had them run off together and kinda leave you behind instead of the group growing?

Almost all of us have had introductions gone bad.

This causes us to hoard our friends and keep them close. Strength ends up being the amount of friends I’m surrounded by and weakness is when those friends find each other and connect because then they might leave me. We’re all in PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) over that.

There’s always a chance of this happening but the key is to recognize that we all have this negative view of connecting other people that really goes back to an origin story from our childhood or sooner. After this has happened we make a commitment to ourselves that never, over our dead rotting bodies will we ever let that happen to us again.

The proof of this shows up in big corporations with salespeople who view the contacts they have as “Their” contacts. They’d rather cut their arm off than expose any of those contacts to anyone else because they’re MINE, they’re all I have. If some of these people would start putting some of their leads together, and trusting each other, they could figure out how they could pool their assets which would increase the size of their sales but also the volume of the sales.

Unless you get over this incident you won’t be able to fuse your tribes.

“The Justice Mechanism” And How It Acts As Your Success Prevention System…

Justice mechanism is cognitive bias mixed with emotional over-estimation.

This is the system within us that doesn’t like it when things are unfair. We want justice and feel like we deserve it. We define justice as, “If I get half or more, then things are just,” not 50/50.

Social psychologists have uncovered this through experiments. One of the most revealing is where they have psychological subjects play a game that’s called the “Ultimatum Game.”

What they do is sit 2 people at a table that don’t know each other, one is A, one is B. Then they bring in $100. in cash and put it in front of A and they tell A, “You get to divide the $100. between you and B however you want. But there’s a catch. And the catch is that then B gets to make the decision about whether or not they get to keep the money that has been divided by A. Or, whether neither of them get to keep the money.”

So, here’s how this plays out.

In most cases what A will do is split the money 50/50 and B will look at this and approve it, so they both get the money. But in some cases, A being a smart human chimp thinks that B’s got nothing to lose so I’m gonna keep $60 for myself and give $40 to B. Or, I’m gonna keep $80 to myself and give B $20. Or, I’m gonna keep $100. for myself and give B nothing.

Something interesting happens around the 70/30 mark.

B will take 50/50, 60/40 and in a lot of cases will take 70/30, but around this point B starts saying no and neither of them get any money.

B would rather see A and themselves come away with nothing, than to see an “Un-Fair” travesty like someone else they don’t know getting a little more money than they do. This is funny because they don’t know each other and it’s free money. If B were by themselves and focused on the question of, “Do I want a free $30 bucks or not?” they would almost always say yes.

Well, the psychologists thought, well maybe since we’re doing this in America where $100 bucks isn’t that much money, our results are skewed. So then they went over to third world countries where $100 bucks represents 3 months income for a person and the exact same 70/30 push back happened. These people would walk away from what might be a months worth of income because they can’t stand to see that other S.O.B. get a better deal than them.

Are you ripping yourself off more than anyone else could?

Each of us are keeping a detailed mental record of all the transactions we’re having with other people, emotionally estimating them, seeing only validation and getting attached to the outcome which drives us to always try to get 50% or more.

Can you see how this screws things up?

We just walk around robbing ourselves constantly because we can’t stand to see someone else get a better deal than us. The restaurant owner in San Francisco knew how to take advantage of this.

In his restaurant they’d bring you a pitcher of wine and set down the glasses and tell the customers to drink as much as they want and just tell them at the end how many glasses they had. Of course, people would drink more than they reported and “ripping off the restaurant.” Then a journalist came along and told the owner, “Don’t you realize these people are ripping you off?”

The owner said, “Of course I do. But look outside. There’s a line around the block waiting to get in.”

Ah hah!!! This is what could be considered an enlightened connector, someone who understands this mechanism and uses it to turn the tables and give the other person the better than 50% deal because they know how this whole deal works.

Action Step: Don’t focus on what the other person is getting, focus on what you’re getting. If the other person happens to be getting a lot more than you, celebrate for them. Love them. Really enjoy when people succeed.

A habit we fall into is getting jealous and feeling like we lost something when another person succeeds or gets lucky or has a windfall. Someone wins and a little part of us dies inside. This happens to a lot of us.

There must be something evolutionarily valuable about it for it to be so universally common. The paradigm we live in is far different than our predecessors. It turns out that this “Justice Mechanism” is a huge blockade to the success of people.

If you’ll make a list of all the places this pops up for you and causes you to respond emotionally, and you systematically work on releasing this, and cultivate the ability to rejoice when others succeed, this will bring you to heaven on earth.

How Your “Strengths” Can Sabotage You…

The first level that can make this happen are de-railers.

You discover something you can do well, a strength you have and you use it over and over again. No matter what the situation, that’s the strength you use, that’s the card they play. Example… Someone finds that when they get angry, people cower and respond in their favor.

There’s a point as your life and influence grows that your strengths are simply insufficient to overcome your hurdles.

And yet because it’s worked up to this point, you have no experience of these ever failing, you continue to over use them. The Center for Creative Leadership, the greatest place in the world for studying leadership has put together a list of de-railers, here’s a few…

Over-managing:

You start managing and you rely on systems and checklists and procedures to get things done. You manage and you get results and everything’s great. This causes you to want to manage your way into success.

One guy Dave knew had this belief…

“From the day that I started my career, I learned that other people don’t remember what they say. If I can remember what they say better than they can remember, then I have an advantage.”

So the guy learned to always write down everything that someone says. Here this man is the chairman of a huge company and he’s got people who could take notes for him but this is a guy who consistently seen this as an advantage. So instead of providing leadership and presence everything you’d want out of a leader, he’s in there taking notes.

Over Dependence On a Mentor:

We start going through our career and we find this one person who always gives us sound advice and at some point we out grow the mentor. But, it’s so comfortable to do what the mentor says, because we don’t have to think about whether it’s the right thing to do or not. Mentor says it, his advice has worked before and he’s telling me to do this new thing so I’m gonna do it.

There’s a point when you have to own your own path of progress.

A Person Who’s Volatile:

Dave used to teach a class called “Managing Difficult People,” and people would send their “Difficult” people to him. What’s ironic is that the people who were most difficult were the people sending the people to the class.

What’s the definition of a “Difficult person?” Probably someone with an opinion, someone who’s stubborn, someone who thinks they’re right, someone who’s smart, and you find that the more you describe difficult people, the more you realize first of all you’re surrounded by them and secondly, they’re the people who are the most valued in an organization at certain times and thirdly, I am one of those people.

Many of us got to where we are because we’re great at debating. Some people try to debate their way out of trouble. This comes across to many people as volatile.

When I think I’m debating it comes across to others as I’m ripping their head off.

When you use these strengths inappropriately, or use them past their shelf life, they become de-railers.

The second level is what’s called a Life Sentence

Here’s how a life sentence works…

When you were a kid did you ever have an older sibling or adult tell you to just shut up when you voiced an opposing opinion, that you’re never saying anything smart and then turn around and tell you that you always do that?

In one way shape or form this is a universal human experience.

This can be a crushing experience if you admire that person at all. It can make you go inside and say, “God, that must be true. Maybe I am stupid.” Then in that moment you go inside and make a decision that mandates you to allow other people to talk for you.

Then you start seeking out people who are smarter than you and quoting them to preface something you believe, “My teacher says ____________.” Then you notice that people would pay attention to what you said when put it that way.

So the decision you make is that you don’t have anything to say. If it comes from you, it’s worthless. So all you do is parrot authorities and as long as I do that, people who are cooler, will accept me.

What a person who makes this decision does is spend a lot of time in school or books. When in doubt, take another class. The person gets a 2 phd’s and a masters and ends up living out a life sentence with this belief that you have nothing to say but that you’ve got research that backs up anything you happen to say.

Everyone’s got a life sentence.

A decision you made about not being good enough, not being smart enough, not cool enough and because I’m not enough, I’m going to become this other way that’s a shell of who I really am.

How this sabotages you is that being an Authority can be really rewarding. Big time players will listen to you. And yet if you don’t have the fancy pants titles your information usually isn’t quoted or respected. And you really can’t connect with people until you overturn this life sentence.

Who’s the judge that can overturn the sentence?

You.

You’re the person that slammed down the gavel that determined your identity. Even if someone else made an accusation, you went inside, became the jury and prosecuted yourself.

You were every single role in formulating this life sentence and so you’ve effectively imprisoned yourself. Now the cell you’re in may not be horrible. You might live in nice house, have people respect you but the problem is that you can never connect with anyone in any amount of reality or authenticity if you’re connecting at the level of your life sentence.

Because it’s not who you are. It’s a mask that you wear that’s put over your greatest fear.

So here’s the action step…

Go back and revisit that moment when you said that thing that imprisoned you. Your greatest strength right now is the life sentence you condemned yourself to. Now, you never have to lose that strength, but by overturning the life sentence, you get to use all those parts of yourself that up until now were put behind bars and made unavailable to you.

The more you examine who you are, and what critical decisions led you to become that person, the more you’ll realize how limited you are.

Fusion requires you to know who you really are and having a sense of authenticity and being able to connect and having another person say, “That person is the real deal,” and to do this you have to overturn your life sentence.

“You don’t have to go to a psychologist to figure out what’s wrong with you. Just listen to what a person complains about and whatever it is they complain about, is the thing that they continually seek out, find and bring into their life so that they can live that story.” Krishna Murti

In romance, if your story is that your partners always neglect you, then you find people who neglect you and that’s who you’re attracted to so you get to keep your story.

It ends up being like the movie ‘Groundhog Day’ where the same scenario keeps showing up again and again and again.

“GOSSSSSHHHH!!! IDIOT!!!” This is what Napoleon Dynamite would tell himself when he messed up or when a bucket load of shit was dumped on him by another person he knew. And it’s hard for us to admit we do the same thing to ourselves.

If You’re Dependent On Someone Else To Do Something, You’re Lost…

One thing you’ve gotta give up is the idea that one person is gonna save you and be the bridge to your future.

The more reliant you are on one person, the more lost you are. Why is that? If you’re over reliant on that person, you come across as desperate. And the more desperation someone senses, the less they’ll sense authenticity in you.

The second problem is people get busy and caught up living life so when other priorities in their life come up, you feel like you have nothing.

Powell Doctrine – Based on the philosophy of General Colin Powell, this philosophy states that “You want to have enough assets to bury them 9 times over.”

This applies to your business career in that you want to build in redundancy so that if your key people bail on you, you’ve got a back up plan and contacts you can plug the hole with.

One way to get out of this box is to recognize that we need to connect with sooo many people so that we have redundancy but in order to do this we have to be able to get to know them quickly, get to know who they are and get them to connect with who we really are. This requires that we leave all the baggage behind.

How Do Great Connectors “Seem” to Themselves?

The first law of performance is that how something seems to you is exactly how you’ll behave in that moment.

If this moment seems like your picture of perfection, you’ll behave that way. And if it seems to you that it’s a crisis, you’ll behave that way.

How do great connectors “Seem” to themselves? But more importantly, ask yourself the question, “How do you “Seem” to yourself?” Most people would reply with a mediocre appraisal of themselves.

It’d be “Mediocre” in their mind because it’d be based on the “normal, average” person in their society. A “Normal” person waits till they have permission or accreditation before making a move, doesn’t see themselves as a person who can have a significant impact on their world, not sure they’re world class, not sure they have a burning passion, more a technical, average, professional.

If this is how you “Seem” to yourself, that’s how you’ll behave. You’ll behave as someone who’s professional, pretty good, not world class, not a Mandela. The thing to reflect on is that your behaviors, when it comes to connecting with other people, go hand in hand with how you occur to yourself.

How great connectors occur to themselves, first of all is as malleable, changeable. How you need to occur to yourself to do world class networking, is that you are a person who is put on this earth and given the permission to make a world changing impact.

CWC = Chimp With Choices.

We’re Chimps With Choices. How you “Seem” to yourself is something over which you have some say. You don’t have 100% say, because if right now you declared you were Jesus Christ, you’re not gonna be able to walk on water. It’s not that you can totally rewrite how you occur to yourself but you CAN see yourself as malleable and having control over the process to change.

All of this happens with a choice.

All of the influential people Dave has gotten to know have become authors of how they “Seem” to themselves. To take everything in this program to the stars you have to have a level of courage and ability to give yourself permission to self-author your story that most people don’t have.

Cultivate A Taste For Seeing Others Succeed Without You and Learn To Love It…

If we can see when others succeed as a real win for us and realize that their win for us is raising the bar for humanity and that the tide is rising and that all boats rise with the tide, that is what allows us to get past our emotional and psychological blocks.

If you can celebrate your 50th cousin or someone you’re much closer to’s moment of achievement and drink it in and feel the inspiration they’re feeling and feel it for yourself feeling that ‘We did it again, we humans achieved something more again and that just makes it so that we’re gonna achieve even greater things, that this technique will help as much as any to take you to the next level.

This comes full circle of things you’ve gotta leave behind. You’ve gotta leave behind pettiness. No better way to say it.

———————————————————————————————————–

Okay, you had enough mind expanding goodness for now?

I have.

Time to veg out with some “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” 😀

Talk soon,

Note Taking Nerd #2

Advertisements