“When a guy asks you where you’re from he means “When can we have sex?” ~Natasha Leggero
Some of you may have wondered, “Why the hell is Nerd #2 putting stuff on here about ‘relationships & dating’?
That’s a valid question.
The reason I’ve chosen to do so is because I’ve personally witnessed myself and people I know, absolutely crumble to shit when their personal relationships with the opposite sex hit the rocks. Work fails, friendships suffer, hygiene screeches to a halt, diets and health crash, etc. etc.
You know what I’m talking about.
For some people this “funk” only leads to you being in a funk for a week to a few weeks to a few months. But if slack off on this stuff it doesn’t always just “blow over”. At least it didn’t for my family. As a 12 year old kid, I watched my mom get into a fight with her husband probably over money, or something stupid like that, and I can’t remember why but he called the cops.
When the sheriff showed up and went to grab my mom so they could put her in cuffs and take her to jail for old warrants, the combination of fighting with her husband and then fighting off the cops (yep, my mom was crazy enough to fight cops), made a blood vessel explode in her brain. They call that shit an aneurysm on my side of the planet.
When this happened she immediately went unconscious and sank limp in the cops arms. She avoided jail but got a first class trip to a brain surgeon’s operating table. She barely survived after having the surgeon team shave the front part of her hair off so they could cut her open so deep that they actually had to use staples to close the wound.
In my perspective, relationship stuff is nothing to fuck around with and just ‘hope’ works it out for the best. Especially if you didn’t have Tony Robbins and Mother Theresa as a parents. Especially if kids are involved.
“Relationship advice is for emotional, insecure, faggots”
I know a lot of guys who would take this position if ever presented with the idea of reading a book, listening to a program or going to a seminar that involves learning how to handle your emotions in a relationship.
Most of ‘em have probably never seen these stats…
- According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, on average, more than three women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners in this country every day.
- Of all the murders of females in 2002, family members were responsible for 43%.
- Eight in ten murderers who killed a family member were male. Males were 83% of spouse murderers.
- Almost one-third of female homicide victims that are reported in police records are killed by an intimate partner.
- In 70-80% of intimate partner homicides, no matter which partner was killed, the man physically abused the woman before the murder.
As a matter of fact, I have a very close relative who actually had glass mysteriously show up in his food, not long after having one of a long list of knock down, drag out fights. This is the same “Macho” guy who in years past would have told me I was a douche bag for paying a $2,000 to show me how to bring a better me to my relationships with women.
It’s the same thinking that keeps a guy from pulling over and asking for directions if they’re lost. This stubborn caveman mindset is our default/zombie programming. We fear appearing like we don’t know what we’re doing, especially in front of women.
Satisfying Women Isn’t Rocket Science
I wear a penis and a ball sack, and I realize my view of reality is only based on my limited personal references and experiences, so I can’t speak for everyone, especially women.
But, I can say for certain, that men, if we don’t become aware of and handle at the very least, the core, any kind of mommy issues we have (for the ladies, it’d be daddy issues), it’s gonna be really hard to get our relationships to a place where we approach women with more than our animal brain thinking like Natasha points out in the quote at the top of this article.
An approach that oozes “I’m here because I want to get some pussy,” vs. one that announces non-verbally that “I’m a man on a mission to bring out the best in me so that in turn I can bring out the best in you and to do this, I have to be very selective as to whom I let into my world, who are you and are you someone who will push me to realize this mighty vision I have?”
Two different energies. Two entirely different outcomes. I admit, that for all of my life I’ve operated out of the the first. If she ended up better for having knowing me, that was just a bonus. I’m changing this as we speak.
How quickly can you screen out a person you shouldn’t be with?
Well like Eben Pagan pointed out in a previous post I wrote…
Often when you feel that instant comfort with a woman that you just met there’s a wound involved. Can you think back to a woman where it seemed so comfortable and natural and then it turned into this weird, dysfunctional thing that was like your relationship with your mom or… the relationship played out like your parents acted with each other?
And as a man, in a lot of cases you’re playing out that same role for her. It goes both ways. The way she didn’t get loved by her dad is the way you don’t give love to women. So now you two play this game of triggering each other and bringing out that side.
Do you want to transcend this game and the part of you that wants to have a story that you tell yourself about why all these things happen without having to actually to take responsibility yourself… or do you want to go to the next level?
Once you wake up, you can’t go back there anymore. You can’t deceive yourself. The imago is our imprint that we got when we were young about what the opposite sex is, what it looks like, what we should be attracted to and mate with. And our relationship with our mom, that’s what put that imprint there. Most of us are acting out of this paradigm, unconsciously. And we play this drama out and make up a story that sounds good to us. And we cover over the pain using techniques to get into a woman’s pants without having to actually connect.
Now you can skip the bullshit and just flat out ask a woman, “Are you my mom?” or “Am I your dad?” “Are we just trying to do that?”
You can do this early. You can say, “Let’s just see if you’re my mom & I’m your dad. What was your relationship like with your dad?” and you might talk and come to the conclusion, “Here we are again! So let’s just know that whatever happens from here on out, that we’re playing these dramas and let’s see if we can help heal these issues.” Some of these women you may be friends with, some you end up up being intimate with and decide you want to stay friends after the intimacy is over, or it might go forever. But when you start being upfront, it opens up a new level of freedom, of awareness, of maturity.
This would be one way.
Now what’s crazy is that long-time fan of ours and stud, Tim Birch actually brought up the point of screening for a relationship match with the Five Traits of the Best of the Best Star Salespeople (and how to attract them to you) post that I wrote using the notes I pulled from the Ultimate Business Mastery seminar.
And then I find Eben talking about something along the same lines. Great minds think alike!
Which one of these 4 behaviors belongs to you or a guy you know?
The first, “I wanna get laid” approach is usually accompanied by what Roger Allan Currie, the author of “Mode One – Let The Women Know What You’re REALLY Thinking” calls Mode 4 thinking…
When you express your real desires, interests, intentions, and harsh criticisms in a straightforward, unapologetic, and specific manner, but only AFTER you’ve already been rejected, criticized, or ignored; Your behavior is driven by resentment, misogyny, bitterness, and a desire for “egotistical revenge” towards those women who you feel treated you in a less-than-desirable manner
Big Issue: You don’t like to feel ‘egotistically defeated’ by a woman; When a woman rejects you, criticizes you, or ignores you, you want to gain a measure of emotional and egotistical ‘revenge’ in the worst way.
There’s a woman that I follow in the social media/copywriting/marketing world by the name of Erika Napoletano. She runs the site www.redheadwriting.com and I am absolutely in LOVE with the mojo she lays down there.
Her raw, no fucking around style allows her to express herself with authority, humor and compassion. When I spend time at her blog I feel like the words are making love to my mind.
Recently she saw an article in her local city rag that was talking about picking up chicks and the philosophy put forth didn’t jive with her philosophy so she wrote a piece telling why it didn’t make sense to her.
Well, the guy who wrote the piece is in cahoots with a local “Shock DJ” who’s purpose for existing is to rile people up. Well, his response to her blog post sure did that. 258 comments worth, 99% of which are in her favor. To give you some perspective, I clicked on another one of her outstanding posts written not too long after and it racked up 38 comments. Tells you how charged the topic of this piece was, eh.
You can go here later to see it in it’s entirety http://www.redheadwriting.com/i-have-no-title I’ve given you the cliff notes version here…
This shock DJ that replied in defense of his buddy who wrote the original article that Erika blasted, clearly demonstrated a Mode 4 mindset. I clipped a little of the post and put it here to show you what the written form of this behavior looks like…
NAPOLETANO: “I am not a flower. Women are not flowers. We are women, . . .”
Well, EriKa, let me just step in for Mr. Hollenback here and say he was being polite on purpose. Of course women aren’t flowers. Far from it. They are open gashes of festering diseases and bottomless black holes of emotional need. But I felt Greg’s poetic interpretation was far prettier than the ugly, stinking, oozing truth. Look in the mirror EriKa. Look in the mirror and weep.
SKIPPED – the imaginary version of how she spends here day (because in reality, she gets up around 10am, scratches her ass, checks her email, looks in the mirror and then curses God on high that she woke up as HER again – then has a fattening snack to ease her psychic pain).
NAPOLETANO: “If children are in the mix, it’ll happen.”
Oh yeah? Dream on bitch. You’re thirty-fucking-SEVEN – and that’s just if you’re telling the truth! Any crotch fruit you spawn will have very oversized foreheads. You missed it lady – the clock ran out. While you were “being liberated,” and chasing your imaginary career, the16 year old illegals were having the HEALTHY babies. You might be able to punch out a Yuppie Puppie with autism due to the age of your shriveled womb and your worn out Cougar Jerky if you’re lucky. But it’s a long shot, and word to the wise: the sperm bank doesn’t take debit cards, girlfriend.
NAPOLETANO: “But I don’t need pollination. I’ve never met a woman in my thirty-seven years who did.”
No honey…you need IN VITRO FERTILIZATION at your age. Because no man-juice is going to make the horrid trek up your ancient withered caverns to find the goddam lost tomb, no matter how energetic his sperm cells. You’re outdated cheese woman. Face it Myrna! , FACE IT!
Again Greg, this woman obviously, desperately needs my help. But she’s a little old for my liking. I could make exceptions Greg, but only on your direct recommendation. As you know, I don’t like to waste my time on the crazies. But the Psycho Pussies? Oh yeah!
My way of thinking today agrees with the philosophy of “How you do anything is how you do everything,” and “There’s always some truth in jest.” Well, even if this guy was totally kidding, I find it hard to believe this was just an off the cuff, completely imagined, improv performance.
Nothing we say or write can be out of thin air because we can only think what we’ve experienced or seen or heard. Otherwise, it’s not there for us to latch on to.
For me, it’s not worth living a life where you feel this way about women. Yet, there’s a fuck load of men wandering the streets whose experience of women mirrors this man’s. And they wander through life on auto-pilot and wonder why they stay single or… keep attracting women who do things that they hate.
It doesn’t have to be this way. There’s waaaaayyy too many resources that can help get a person out of this head space. And once again, I’ll say that I think this behavior can play out both ways, with men or women.
And this leads us to the next level of thinking which is…
When you hide, deny, and/or ‘camouflage’ your true, honest needs, desires, interests, and intentions from women; Your behavior is usually phony, hypocritical, wimpy, deceitful, and ‘wishy washy’; You have a low degree of self-confidence and self-esteem, to the point that you will typically allow women to use you, manipulate you, and even disrespect you on a frequent basis
Big Issue: You have a fear of being rejected and/or ignored; You’d rather ‘pretend’ to be ‘just friends’ with a female, in order to continue getting attention from her, then to let your real desires and interests be known, and risk being rejected or ignored indefinitely
Only through working on myself and building a better me, did I graduate from this mode. While I’ve never sunk to Mode 4, it was definitely in my future had I not gotten help from some people who coached me on how to change the way I saw myself and what was possible for me.
Guys like Dexter, Tony Robbins, Eben Pagan, Hale Dwoskin, Dale Carnegie and on and on. I have to give it up most to Eben though in this category of relationships though. Until I’d stumbled into his stuff, I’d always been back asswards when it came to interacting with women.
In all my life I’d never been around a man who was constantly evolving his understanding of relationship dynamics and striving to be the very best lover/partner he could be and could talk about it and teach others how to do it.
I’d been around a couple of guys who had no problem attracting women, but the relationships were never pictures of absolute radiance and passion. They were either blah or disasters. Or, I hung around people who got married in high school and had kids and just seemed “Stuck” with each other.
In Eben’s latest seminar, “Becoming Mr. Right” he mentioned that all of his programs up until “Man Transformation” are actually harmful because while the information is valid, it doesn’t address the core issues that got you mixed up in the first place. So they show you how to behave differently but as soon the technique is used and you’re in the next phase of an interaction, it’s the same old dysfunctional you in the room alone with the woman.
And what ends up happening is the real self bleeds through when the shtick runs out and voila, your naked insecurity sabotages the momentum you had going with woman by reverting to retard behavior.
Now a step above Mode 3 is…
When you express your needs, desires, interests, and intentions to a woman in a cautious, hesitant, indirect, ‘beat-around-the-bush’ manner Your behavior is usually very polite, considerate, pleasant, entertaining, and non-threatening; You’re confident to a degree, but very conscious about your image and reputation among women; You like being known and perceived as a “gentleman”
Big Issue: You have a fear of being harshly criticized and/or disliked; Your main objective is to get a woman to “like” you, and say “nice things” about you, prior to letting her know why you really want to interact with her, and share her company
Not needing the approval of someone is magnetic. Neediness isn’t. Plain. Simple. Truth.
In Mode Two while you aren’t mysogo-man or being a total wimp, you still aren’t being authentic because there’s the programming inside of you that says approval from others is more important than the approval of yourself. And this keeps you from being fulfilled.
When you express your needs, desires, interests, and intentions to a woman in a highly confident, unapologetic, straightforward, and very specific manner; Your behavior is usually highly self-assured, composed, non-defensive, and provocative; You don’t go out of your way to get women to “like” you, or “approve” of your behavior; You are the personification of “egotistical indifference”
Big Issue: You don’t like your time to be wasted by those women who don’t have a sincere desire to reciprocate your romantic and/or sexual desires and interests; You don’t like to interact with women who are highly manipulative
(i.e., “game players”)
When you become the greatest version of you that you can, when you get into the flow of ‘becoming your full potential’ which can start right now, you become a beacon for the most amazing woman, for you.
This, is Mode 1 thinking and I think it gels perfectly with Eben’s philosophy because it’s directly rooted in shifting and expanding your identity. In “Becoming Mr. Right” Eben talks about how…
This will be the most challenging experience in your inner world that you’ve ever had and how it’s your duty as a human to push yourself out of your comfort zone where shame and fear want to keep you locked down in a prison of your own making.
Let’s see if you can stand there in discomfort, in “I don’t like this very much.” Relaxing into and going with this is the key to becoming the next level of you and sink into the flow of becoming your potential.
This is where it’s all at, riding with the flow of becoming the best you, you can be.
When you get into the flow of becoming the best you that you can be, becoming your greatest self, everyone can sense it immediately. This is when you’re behaving at excellence. This is when you’re inspiring to others. This is when you’re inspiring to yourself. This is when you hit a setback and you fall down, you take an emotional hit and then you realize you’re in the flow of becoming your best self and you get right back on the track and everything’s ok.
You have a sense of grounded-ness in the belief that the universe is a friendly place to live.
This is a core piece of becoming Mr. Right because ultimately, I imagine you don’t want all women to be chasing you and you don’t want to meet all women. What you probably want is to find a really amazing woman and then be able to have a real, authentic, fulfilling relationship that helps takes both of you to the next level.
That woman that you want, when you’re in the flow of becoming the best you that you’re capable of becoming… she see’s that, she recognizes that and that type of woman that you really want, that you really want to be close to, that you really want to be intimate with in your life, that woman will recognize very clearly if you’re not in this flow.
And if you’re not in the flow of becoming the best you can be, then all you’ve got is techniques and like we talked about before, when those wear off, there you are on empty.
Women test men, why? Because they have to.
They can’t say to a man, “Do you have integrity?” and trust what he says. Most men will answer that question with a reinterpretation of “Well, it depends on how much I wanna get laid.” Some guys will dial back the integrity in the moment to get a little action.
When you’re in the flow of becoming your best self, that stuff is less likely to happen. It’s important to, as a man, be able to dive into the sticky issues within. That’s what you’re total 10 woman wants from you, for when these things show up in life, for you to be able to face them, accept them and overcome them.
And the only way you do this is by introducing yourself to new questions and ways of thinking that pull you out of your comfort zone just long enough to de-hypnotize you from the auto-pilot program you’ve coasted on your whole life.
I, as a man who’s working to become Mr. Right, cannot recommend Roger Alan Currie’s book or Eben’s program highly enough because they’ve been some of the best at doing this.
I know there’s a ton of other great resources out there and if you know of any, please feel free to let me know about them here. These are two I’ve found incredibly useful. There’s others that I might mention in the future but for now I’ll leave you with these. And as always feel free to tell me if you think I’m full of shit.
Note Taking Nerd #2