Hey Guys,

It’s Chief Nerd here.

As many of you may know Nerd#2 is very talented in the Copy Writing department.

He recently gave a “Quick Critique” on the following sales letter.

I thought you could learn a lot from what he shared…Enjoy

Nerd #2 Copy Critique Screen Capture

Click on Pic to Enlarge

Here is what Nerd#2 had to say: Let me know what you think in the comments below!

One thing that didn’t make sense to me was beginning the conversation by planting the idea of "Scam" in the readers mind. Right out of the gate. I don’t get it.
It’s the whole premise of telling someone NOT to think of a pink elephant, DON’T think of a pink elephant, you better NOT even dream of seeing a pink elephant in your mind!!! What do you naturally see in your mind? Pink elephant.

Because the mind works in this way, it’s always seemed to me to be common sense to

stay away from the popular copywriting technique prescribed by Dan Kennedy of "Saying what something isn’t."

If you don’t use the English language to anywhere near it’s capacity, you take that advice and piece together copy that accomplishes the opposite effect and if you do this in the top fold of the letter… Not Good.

The thinking behind that piece of advice is sound but you’re actually gunning for something along the lines of "Here’s how this is different from _________…" Different/unique/special is the idea that you want to plant. Not scam.

Running with your opening might have made more sense in my perspective had it been a continuation of the headline but the headline lends more of an angle that could be the guys story, which in my eyes, if it’s "Weird" and "random" (don’t necessarily like this word here either) then it makes sense to continue this train of thought and suck them in with a story that hopefully is intriguing so that people keep reading.

One other thing I believe this lead could also be helped with is by emphasizing through the story, how $56K is actually a **** load of money to someone who’s making $25K or who has a part-time income of ZERO.

This is a common mistake that happens when you don’t put yourself in the shoes of the person for the who this offer is for but instead, you come from where you are or want to pretend you are.

The income promise here is something that caters more to Al Bundy than Donald Trump. So using the guys story of how he works/worked at a normal/meaningless/**** job, has been behind on rent for an apartment that was only $750 a month, scrounged change so he could ride the bus to his job and now after using this system… he moved into a house (Huge difference to someone in a place that $56K sounds heavenly to – Al Bundy) that he rents for $1,500 a month, bought a new used car and is on the verge of quitting or has quit his **** job…. is far more compelling than you telling me right away to trust you and that "I’m not trying to deceive you".

I don’t even know you yet, but a story can get me familiar fast. Stories sell "you" AND "your system", both of which need to happen here. This story also helps a person at this income level completely get over the worst objection facing you… "I know this guy did it, but can I?"
If you slay this objection in the opening of your letter, I’d say 95% of your work is done and the rest of the 5% of resistance will be easy to knock down with your guarantee, your proof, and your bonuses.

Now I never read past the first subhead so I don’t know what kind of story is trapped below, if any, but what I do know is that testing a change in this lead could give you a major bump in your conversion… if in fact, all of your other ducks are in a row and this thing does what you say it will.

And, I hope I’m completely wrong here and that this letter, opening as it is, is absolutely crushing it. THAT would be awesome. 🙂 I’d still ask the question then of, "How high is high?" Hahaha