In these personal improvement notes on Wyatt Woodsmall’s Emotional Intelligence course, you’ll see why most people you encounter are emotionally retarded and how you can avoid being lumped in with them
It’s Lewis a.k.a. Nerd #2.
Do you want people to pay attention to you and respect what you say?
Do people in your life, nice and mean and in between, blow off your attempts to connect with them or help them?
Do you have a fear of people who get angry easily and shy away from them because you shut down and go inside when anger is directed at you?
Whether you responded “Yes,” or “No,” to those questions, my answer, is “Good.”
What I’m about to share with you about influencing people should’ve been taught to you when you were 5 years old and reinforced over and over again by anyone in your life who wished you success, but it wasn’t.
Yes, it’s that important.
Why? Because no one succeeds on their own. The term “Self-Made” is bullshit.
Even the most resourceful one-man online business operations among us aren’t truly “Made” by one man.
Someone else helped this person by creating all the technology they use. Someone helped them by harnessing the electricity and directing it to their home so they can use that technology. Someone took it upon themselves to go into the business of growing, packaging and shipping food so that it is easily accessible to sustain this person’s energy. A team of people created the applications and the computer they use in their work. Someone compiled a course based on them learning from others and made that available. An influential customer referred their business to their list. And on and on and on.
So now do you see what I mean by there is no such thing as “Self-Made”? Cool.
Everyone needs help and the people who succeed in business on the highest level have a more resourceful people helping them not only reach but stay at the top than the average bear.
This could be friends, family, employees, partners, vendors, etc.
Now even the most talented people can fail to experience a life filled with abundance because they have far fewer resourceful people they can reach out to who respect them and are eager to join forces with them or extend support to them.
And the reason for this has nothing to do with one person having more money than the other. A person with a ton of money can get a lot done but if you believe you have to have money in order to get things done, you’ll never recover nor emerge from the place of having little to no money.
The Invisible Force That Moves All Of Us To Action
The only reason I believe the majority of people do anything for anyone is to get a feeling that we treasure – security, approval, or control.
If there’s a homeless man pan handling by the parking lot entrance where my car is and I give him my left overs from my $79 Filet Mignon dinner I barely touched, I don’t do this because Santa Claus is watching me and knows when I’ve been naughty or nice. I do it so I can get a rush of happy feelings – approval of myself.
I don’t believe any act is selfless.
If you embrace this concept then you always factor into your interactions with other people knowing that their behavior is nothing but the result of them seeking emotions then you’ll have the house odds in your relationships.
As you’ll see explained below, a disconnect on this emotional level is one of the primary reasons you experience drama with people in your life.
Almost no one knows how to control their emotions as my notes from Eben Pagan and Wyatt Woodsmall’s Advanced Learning and Teaching seminar explained in this post here, and what I’m about to reveal to you in notes I’ve taken on Wyatt’s Emotional Intelligence course is the next step towards you feeling awesome and in control of yourself which allows you to get the results you want with the help of others.
The First Step To Building An Army of People Who Have Your Back And Carry You To Power
Emotions show up in your body in a certain sequence.
This is something most people don’t think about when it comes to emotions.
One way to look at this is the different levels of energy we experience. Most people believe their emotions are totally random and that they and others jump around from one emotion to the other.
But no one is random. We all go through a sequence of emotions and when you know the sequence, you can have a positive impact on even the most hard headed person you encounter.
There are various models centered around the personality. One is the Myers Briggs. Another is the Enneagram. The enneagram divides people into 9 different types whereas the Myers Briggs has 15 different types that are combos of 4 different broader types.
Where the enneagram goes beyond the other personality models out there is
Our emotions cycle through three different settings.
First, is the normal maintenance setting. This where you’re not low, you’re not high, you’re just cruising along. Most of our time is spent here.
Second, is the stress setting. Stress makes you take on a different personality. You may have encountered someone before in a stressed state and thought to yourself, “How in the hell could she live with that guy?” Very common thought that I’m sure you’ve had. And she probably couldn’t if “stress” was this guy’s “normal” setting. Hardly anyone has a positive behavior shift when stress arrives.
Third, is total relaxation and comfort setting. This is a place where we can be intimate with ourselves or another person and let our guards down and in this setting our behavior will totally shift.
Some people will try to tell you that they behave the same way all the time and this is just idiotic.
You always have to factor in context. The context to be taken account of is how you behave under stress, how you behave normally, and how do you behave under conditions of intimacy where you’re completely at ease and comfortable.
Now when it comes to emotions, there’s what Wyatt calls an Emotional Tone Scale.
The Acute Tone is where you are in the moment and this is continually shifting.
The Chronic Tone is what feels normal to you and where you operate from most of the time.
The Social Tone is where you’re putting on a show in social settings because you don’t believe people would like seeing the asshole you are in your Chronic Tone so you hide it. And this can also be where you’re in a social setting where you’re so relaxed where you act different.
So you’ve got the tone of where someone is in the moment, where they are most of the time on their own and where they are when they get into costume and go out into public.
And of course on this emotional tone scale we move up and down it from where we normally are as we get excited and stressed.
So with this emotional tone scale you’ve got the middle and you can think of above the middle as positive and below the middle as negative and people are at different places on this at all times.
BIG FUCKING SUBHEAD HERE INTRODUCING 16 POINT SCALE
This emotional tone scale that Wyatt has adapted from other
technologies ranges from Fear at the very bottom, and for practical purposes here we’ll cover to Enthusiasmnear the top.
Another way he looks at his scale is that things above the neutral (2.5) give you energy and things below neutral drain you of energy.
Now here’s a quick break down of the traits of each level on Wyatt’s scale . . .
BOREDOM (2.5 NEUTRAL):
This is where people are spectators looking at the world from the bleachers. In this emotion you’re neither content nor discontent. In this place people simply endure things. People who are bored are not threatening but they’re not helpful. Everything above this is positive, everything below it is negative.
This is where you’re satisfied with where you are in life. You’re not bored and neither are you enthusiastic.
MILD INTEREST (2.9)
This is where your mind is activated at a level of paying attention to a new idea that can move you towards enthusiasm.
Consider this a medium level of interest.
STRONG INTEREST (3.3)
This is where excitement starts churning.
This is where anyone who sees you can tell you’re happy.
This is where you embrace flexibility.
The Dark Side of The Scale
This is the place where you don’t give a shit. This is one stage removed from death. This is the state of mind a person is in when they commit suicide. This is also where people submit and die for example in the instance of having a disease or facing some kind of traumatic injury and the circumstances deliver them to death. Alcoholics, gamblers, and fatalists can all be found dwelling in this state of mind. They have enthusiasm for things that are killing them and they’re fine with this.
Grief is the next emotion up from apathy. This is where you experience a sense of loss. People in grief are easy to spot because they’re whining. They’re always talking about grievances and old issues. They dwell in the past. They feel betrayed. These people are living in the past – something that gave their life meaning is gone and so now they’re in grief.
The next level above Grief is Sympathy. In this context, sympathy isn’t being channeled out of compassion or care but is passive. This is a place of being afraid to hurt other people – even if that’s what would help them most. This is a common trait of people who feel other people’s pain and they’re not strong enough or resourceful enough to help them.
This is a place of indecisiveness. This could be something concrete that you fear (you’ve been in a car accident and you can’t feel your legs) or an imagined fear (you believe you’ll die if you ride in a car). But fear is an emotion. Imagine what would happen if you could put fear and doubt out of your life. A person living in fear is living in reaction to whatever it is they’re afraid of. Their life is dictated by what they fear. These people are anxious cowards. They’re suspicious of everyone around them.
This is the fearful hypocrite. On the surface this person appears to be your buddy. But out of a sense of fear they’re sticking knives into you back. This is the most dangerous place to be on the whole scale. The way these people deal with fear is by smiling in your face while sticking a knife into your back. One tell tale sign of a covertly hostile person is that they never accept responsibility and they always take credit for the accomplishments of others and they always find someone or something to blame for their shortcomings. These people like to bad mouth others behind their back which of course means they’ll bad mouth you behind your back. The reason people act this way is because they’re afraid of you or someone else and the way they cope with this is through covert hostility.
I think of the Iceman Richard Kuklinski – the famed mafia hit man who claims to have killed over 100 people when I think of this state of mind. This person has repressed anger and their cruelty is calm, violent, resourceful and they are acidly polite. This person is unfeeling and dangerous.
People don’t hide anger well. This is expressed hostility. Fear is the source of anger. This could be residue of harsh childhood or a job they hate or a relationship that is painful or any number or other number of scenarios.
Now the next level up of anger is antagonism. Anger is usually can be applied broadly but when someone is antagonized it’s usually focused on something specific. People who are simply angry usually don’t know what they’re angry about.The antagonized person knows exactly what they’re angry about and they’re channeling the anger towards that object.
We Have This List Now – So What?
How do we make use of this list when it comes to influencing others?
Well the first thing it helps with is understanding where you’re at and where they’re at. You need to understand that we have one of these places that is our Chronic tone and we have another we may slip into when in social situations.
Now in Daniel Goleman’s book, Social Intelligence, he points out the four things you’ve got to do if you want to be influential – You have understand yourself, you’ve got to control you behavior, you’ve got to understand other people, and you’ve got to be able to influence other people’s emotions.
How You Can Put A Person’s Attention In A Gentle But Secure Choke Hold
NLP has taught people that if you want to move people to a certain desired state, you use what’s called pacing and leading to do so.
The way you gain rapport with and then influence over someone is by meeting them in the state of mind where they are or coming in at – the emotional level where they are or the level immediately above where they are now.
The level above is the level that people respect and respond favorably to because they associate this with the other person having their shit together more than they do because they did this.
So you want to figure out where they are and come it at the next highest level in order to have the maximum positive impact.
But you have to beware coming in at the level below them, unless of course, you want them to drop down. And if you come in at a level that is two or more above where they’re at, you’ll be out of the zone that is comfortable for them to embrace and this will cause them to stay where they’re at or drop down a level.
Here’s an example of how this could play out in society . . .
A guy buys a box of large and in charge Magnum condoms and gets home and opens it to rip off a few to stuff into his pocket only to find out that they’re hard and when flexed, they snap. When he looks at the expiration date, he sees they’re 12 years past their expiration date.
He’s got a hot date in an hour and he still hasn’t even washed his ass yet. This puts him in an ANGRY state of mind.
So he rushes through putting himself together deciding that on his way to pick up his date, he’ll return the condoms to the liquor store and exchange them for a fresh pack.
He storms through the door of the store, condoms in hand, and rushes to the sexy time sexction. What he sees reignites him to the level of ANGER – all five of the boxes of Magnum condoms they have are also 12 years expired and all the rest of the condoms are only for small penises.
This leads him to just wanting to get his money back and leave because he’s already running late. So he goes to the counter to explain his situation and has to do so three times because the man behind the counter speaks almost no English.
When the merchant finally figures out what the man wants, he asks him for his receipt. Of course, no one asks for a receipt from a corner liquor store for a small purchase and when the merchant tells him he can’t give the man cash back for his crispy condoms without a receipt, he turns livid.
What response can the merchant give that will keep this man from yanking him across the counter?
When someone is angry, as weird as it may sound, they consider an appropriate response to be the other person being just as angry or angrier than they are.
If you’re sitting there all calm, Zen Buddhist-like or you’re there cowering, apologizing all over yourself, then you’re not on my level, and you don’t get me or what I’m going through BECAUSE IF YOU DID THEN YOU WOULD BE ANGRY TOO. This means that if you want influence this person you want to get angry with them, not at them.
When you do this, the other person unconsciously says to themselves, “EXACTLY!!! AN APPROPRIATE RESPONSE! THIS PERSON CARES ENOUGH TO GET ANGRY WITH ME! FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS LIKE I DO HOW SCREWED UP THINGS ARE!” and you get rapport with this person.
One thing you also have to remember is that anger drains energy and has a short shelf life. You can only sustain anger for a short period of time. So after you two have ranted and raved, you’ll run out of steam and once this can lead to a resigned and calmer state like boredom where things be resolved.
So when a person is in Anger, ANTAGONISM is going to have the most influence over them. A person in an antagonistic state knows who to blame while the angry person is simply angry about the situation.
In the condom example, the merchant can say, “YEAH, THIS IS COMPLETELY WRONG! AND YOU KNOW WHO TO BLAME FOR THIS. OWNER OF STORE!!! HE A BASTARD AND WE NEED TO TALK TO HIM WHEN HE COME BACK IN MORNING!”
People in anger respect someone who knows the person at fault and is resourceful enough in the moment to calculate the next move to resolve the problem.
What About The Rest of The Scale?
The person in Apathy who feels dead inside can hear the person who interacts with them and can at least feel Grief, a sense of loss.
The person in Grief can respect someone who also is experiencing loss but can also keep others in mind enough to at least be Sympathetic.
A person who is in Sympathy who is reacting to the world can respect someone who is in Fear because they know of something out there in the world that we should be afraid of.
Now the person who’s in Fear looks at the Covert Hostile person and they can respect that this person is at least making the effort to do something to get back at those who make them feel Fear.
The Covert Hostile person can respect that the No Sympathy person is so aloof and uncaring about what others think that they don’t feel the need to be covert but can be ruthless and welcome having that reputation.
The No Sympathy person can respect an Angry person because they’re not afraid to show what they’re feeling.
The people who are Angry can respect the person who is Antagonized because they know things are screwed up but the Antagonized person knows who the enemy is that is responsible for them feeling this way.
The Antagonized person can respect the Bored person who knows who’s to blame for how shitty things are but are not letting it get them all riled up because they’re above the drama.
The Bored person can respect the Content person because they at least have things together enough that they can feel satisfied with the way things are.
The person who is Content can respect the person who is Mildly Interested because they know something that’s helping them feel even more satisfaction than they do.
The person who is Mildly Interested in the Conservative person because they’re in the know about more than they are and experiencing more pleasure as a result of this.
The Conservative person can respect the Cheerful person because they must know something they don’t that allows them to feel this way.
And finally, the Cheerful person can respect the Enthusiastic person because they’ve found the ticket to nuggets of wisdom that are allowing them to be radiant.
How Can You Use This?
You’re going to meet people throughout your entire life who are on every spectrum of this scale.
The HUMONGAFIED takeaway to run with from what you’ve discovered here is that if you care at all to connect with someone and move them up to higher level, you can’t express an emotion that is far beyond where they are in the moment – your Apathetic sister wants nothing to do with you if you’re Mr. Enthusiasm.
You want to meet people in the ball park of the energy they’re experiencing WITH A RESOURCEFULL ANSWER.
If the Korean liquor store merchant in the example above met anger with an angry response like, “I’M GOING TO CALL THE COPS!” this only serves to fuel the fire and can lead to situation escalating to violence.
If someone is in APATHY and is suicidal and your response is an apathetic, “don’t do it,” that isn’t going to serve them.
How One Man Used The Emotional Tone Scale To Talk People Out Of Killing Themselves
Dr. Milton Erickson, the therapist who made clinical hypnosis acceptable in the eyes of his peers and the public was legendary for his ability to help people change their state of mind when no one else could.
When people came to him for therapy, he used exactly what we’re talking about today. He met people where they were emotionally.
There’s one story of a kind of dumpy woman who came to him leaning heavily towards wanting to kill herself. So in the same physiology and tone of voice as she had used, he asked her how much money she had in the bank.
She told him there was something like $1,100 bucks in there. He told her that was good because now she could go spend all that money on giving herself a makeover – new clothes, new hair style, new make up, etc. He conveyed that if she was going to go out, she may well go out looking hot.
Then he asked about her love life and she expressed that her love life didn’t exist except for her fantasy of hooking up with a guy she worked with that she talked to at the water cooler.
So what he did next was teach her to squirt water between the gap in her front teeth and instructed her that the next time she saw her heart throb, she was to squirt him. What was there to be afraid of if she was going to be checking out anyway?
She took his advice and got sexified with a makeover and new clothes and she went to work. Around break time, she hid around the corner when she saw her crush coming she squirted him and he embraced this prank and chased her around and saw how much better she looked and how much more radiant her energy was when she felt as lovely as she did when she actually took the time to put herself together and this was the beginning of them starting a romantic relationship and eventually getting married.
If you look into Milton’s track record you’d see story after story like this. And he never used the same set of boiler plate instructions for anyone twice. Everything was always customized for that person’s situation with the intent of them conquering their challenge and being done with him as fast as possible.
Milton Erickson never argued with or tried to convince someone to do something against their will. He rolled with what people gave to him and then provided the baby step to them that would move them up the emotional scale that led to them eventually feeling like they were in control and proud of themselves.
He found a way to let the problem be the solution.
Of course Milton’s process was more elaborate than this in it’s entirety but this tactic was the back bone that made it possible for him to get rapport and opened up the door for him to implement anything else.
And now you have the power to start refining this skill of getting people you love and even strangers to help you get what you want.
Become The Kind Of Person People Want To Spend Time With
With the range of emotions you can experience, it’s incredibly valuable to know how to meet people where they are and direct them to a better place.
Use what you’ve learned here today to mystify the people in your life who previously saw you in a different light but now marvel at how you’ve become the go-to guy, a Pied Piper of sorts who has an army of people who are going to battle for you everyday to keep you experiencing life the way you want to.
And then laugh as people talk shit about you being “lucky because things always fall into your lap,” knowing that while blessings from others may be falling onto you, luck has nothing to do with what you’ve done to change the way people respond to you.
Lewis LaLanne a.k.a. Note Taking Nerd #2 a.k.a. L.L. Cool Nerd
PS. If you’re interesting in some other inner game tweaks you can make that allow you go into “BEAST MODE”, you’ll definitely want to put your hands all over these personal improvement notes here <—–